just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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