My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
