Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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