Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
