if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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