i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
