I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
