So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize