Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
