ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
