i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Randomize
