Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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