i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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