it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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