Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Randomize
