my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
