I showed him my bush... on skype.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
