everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
