New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
He kissed a someone with a penis
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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