I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
