first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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