His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
