my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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