the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
