Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
