Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
