I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize