too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
