just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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