just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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