He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
