i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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