why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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