I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
