Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
there is glitter all over my balls
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