he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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