I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
