Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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