We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
