Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
