my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
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