we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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