Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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