I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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