i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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