wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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