And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
