ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
