seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
