East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I am naked and annoyed.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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