Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He shit in the fireplace
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
