if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
