do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
