That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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