If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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