I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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