Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
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