Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
